


We are chaos

by Alex1912



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Attempted Abortion, Character Development, F/M, Flashbacks, Infidelity, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:07:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27528973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex1912/pseuds/Alex1912
Summary: Wendy had always been in love with Jax. And she thought, as long as she loved him enough, they would get over anything else. But after finding out that Tara is back in Charming, Wendy has to admit that her and Jax aren't made for each other. But without Jax, what's left of her life? So Wendy makes a decision, which will not only end her live but will also make everybody hate her. But when her plan Fails, how can she live on with her mistakes?
Relationships: Tara Knowles/Jax Teller, Wendy Case/Jax Teller, Wendy Case/Original Male Character
Comments: 9
Kudos: 11





	1. Coma White

# We are Chaos

## Coma White

Wendy closed the front door behind her and collapsed against it immediately. Since she was pregnant she was always tired, but today it had been especially bad. Now she just wanted some quiet, quiet and darkness. Her purse suddenly felt incredible heavy on her shoulder, although it was nearly empty. Wendy let it fall down on the floor and wiped off her jacket before she stood up and lurched to the kitchen.  
The apartment was totally quiet and exactly in the state she had left it. Who would have visited her anyways? Jax for sure not. He hadn't let himself be seen since a few weeks, and yesterday he had forgotten her doctors appointment. The light of the answering machine blinked, she had missed a call. Wendy had a feeling who could have called her. But she didn't want to hear his voice right know, she wasn't ready for his half-hearted apology. So she ignored the light and walked to the fridge. A box of mint-chocolate-icecream was all she needed right now.

Wendy had fallen in love with Jax Teller when they both had been in High school. He had been three years older than she, he had been a senior when she was a freshman. He had been together with Tara at that time, a woman Wendy hated more than her own mother, and that meant something. Two years Wendy had watched Jax and Tara silently and her desire had grown. But then Tara had left the city, to study in Chicago, and Wendy had seen her chance. A week later she had started spending her friday nights in the clubhouse, although her mother promised her she would just be treated as a whore. Wendy had answered that if somebody knew something about whoring around it was her mother, which had brought her a harsh slap in the face. But Wendy went to the club nevertheless, and she had to realize that her mother had been right, although she never admitted it. Four years she had been easy pussy for every SON who wanted her, hoping some day Jax would notice her. She had already waited so long, she could wait a bit longer, at least that's what she thought.  
It took six nights in the sheets together with Jax until they talked for the first time, and nearly another year before he had called her his girlfriend. In all these years Wendy had to sleep with the other SONS as well, and with every time she hated herself a bit more. That was when she started to take drugs. First it was just weed, to calm herself down when Tig demanded unspeakable things from her again. Juice had finally introduced her to LSD when he found her crying in the bathroom and from that moment it was like a self-fullfilling-prophecy. When she was high, she could be exactly the kind of girl Jax wanted – open, funny and never jealous. But after every high she felt worse, remembered what she had to do to get this far, and she needed another dose to get up again.  
Jax had noticed that, after a few weeks. He had helped her through her first rehab, and he was very supportive. But when Wendy came back, she had to realize that Jax hadn't waited. He had continued fucking croweaters and Wendy couldn't blame him without sounding like a crazy jealous girlfriend. She had promised Jax that she would never that way, this had been one condition he had made when they came together. So she had drugged herself again, this time to forget what her boyfriend was doing when he wasn't with her. Her first overdose had followed only two moths later.  
Somehow Wendy had managed to stay with Jax, they moved in together, he gave her his crow and proposed. He never stayed faithful to her, even after the wedding, but Wendy knew better that to ask for it. She knew, the only reason Jax did all this because she was easy, a "cool chick". As long as she didn't make any problems, he would continue this charade of a marriage. And finally, after nearly two years of trying, Wendy got pregnant. She hoped, this would change everything and even managed to stop every drug for nearly six months. Jax had always wanted to have children and she had been devastated when it didn't work out on the first try. Maybe, when Jax finally became a father, he would become more mature, like Opie had, so they could finally become a real family. And Jax really had been happy when she told him that she was pregnant, he promised that he would be there for the baby and would try to be a great father. But this intention only maintained a few month, then he started staying in the clubhouse for the night. And when he came home he smelled like sex and cheap perfume. Wendy had taken her old habits back up again and pretended like everything was alright. But about a week ago, she had found divorce-papers as she had looked through some of Jax' stuff. After reading Wendy knew that Jax had Lowen set those up before she told him, she was pregnant. And that he didn't talked about it to her since, gave her hope, that he had changed his mind. Maybe he didn't love her anymore, but he was man enough to stay with her for the baby, at least that was what she hoped. But yesterday Wendy had seen Tara Knowles in the St. Thomas Hospital, and she seemed to be the new neonatal-doctor.  
Wendy loved Jax for sure, but she knew when she had lost. There was no chance in the world that Jax would stay with her, when Tara was back in town. After all those years, he still loved her and Wendy only had a chance with him because she had broken his heart. Baby or not, if he had the chance, Jax would always chose the love of his life above everything else. So, she would be a fair loser and let him be.

After Wendy had eaten the whole box of icecream and felt like an ugly trash bin, she felt in the right mood to listen to Jax' message on the answering machine. She leaned against the dresser and closed her eyes, to imagine Jax standing right in front of her.

"Hey, Wendy. I'm sorry that I only call now. I totally forgot your appointment, I'll definitely make up for it. I have to go on a run now, but I should be back on thursday. Then I'll take you to dinner, I promise."

A loud beep ended the message and Wendy opened her eyes. She had hoped that his last words would be "I love you", but this would have to do it. Now she was in the right mood to writer her last words to Jax.

>   
>  _Dear Jax,  
>  When you read this, you will probably hate me. And I can't even blame you, because I most likely have killed myself and our baby. But try to push your anger aside just for a second and listen to me at least for one time.  
>  I have loved you, since the day I saw you for the first time. You surely don't remember, but I do as it was yesterday. I was 14 years old and a nervous freshman, you surely didn't notice me. But that did not matter, because I knew I could wait. I gave so much to be with you, and sometimes I think it was too much. When I finally got what I wanted, I wasn't the person to keep it anymore. I thought you loved me, and with this thought I want to die. You were there for me like no one else before, and I'll always be thankful for that. But we were never meant to be, and I should have never brought a baby into our fucked up relationship. We tried so hard to make something work which should't be, that we made a lot of wrong decisions. This baby is only a symptom of the disease called our marriage. But I also know, that you wouldn't go for a divorce now, or an abortion, you are to honorable for that. So, I'm making this a lot easier for both of us. You will meet another woman, Tara for example, and if god wants, you will have a house full of beautiful children. And concerning me, let's just say that I've been tired of this for a long time. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of and which I'll never be able to forget. You made me last for a few more years, but after my first overdose it was just a matter of gave me most of the best memories of my life, which I will be always thankful for. So let met thank you by making this decision for both of us, and maybe, you can forgive me some day.  
>  In love, Wendy_  
> 

When Wendy finished writing tears streamed down her face and fell on the paper. She stood up, her whole body shaking. With a curtain of tears in front of her eyes she stumbled to the front door, where she had left her purse. She took the purse and rummaged around in it, for a moment in panic until she found the small white package, on which she had spend her last dollars. Some of the guys had thrown curious looks at her, as she had bought a package of Heroine obviously pregnant, but they knew better that to ask any questions.

As Wendy held the Heroine in her hands she felt a sudden calm rush over her. Now she knew what to do, she had done it hundredth of times before. So cooked up the Heroine and filled it into a syringe, then she tied her arm off with a belt. It took her a few seconds to find a vein, but when she squeezed the syringe out, it only took a fast breath until she could feel the wonderful effect. Another second, then everything around her went black. Maybe the drugs couldn't save her from herself, but they would save her baby of living a life like his mother had to.


	2. Broken Needle

# We are Chaos

## Broken Needle

_If Wendy would have used all her concentration, she still could hear her parents arguing downstairs above her music. It had started about an hour ago, when her father had come home from work clearly angry. Again, it wasn't a secret what he was angry about, the whole town spoke about it. Someone had seen Wendy's mother fucking her daughter's math teacher in his car during lunch break, and the news had spread across town until early evening. It only had been a question of time when Wendy's father found out._

_While looking through the photos on her camera, Wendy asked herself if she would have to move away again, like they had to when her mother had been caught fucking her riding instructor in Oakland or the father of her former best friend in Vallejo. It wasn't like she had many friends here anyway, and maybe this time they could move a bit more north where she wouldn't sweat all day sitting in class. It was always the same. Her mother was caught red handed having an affair with somebody, her father was angry about it for a week, than he forgave her and they moved somewhere else where nobody knew them. They all had come familiar with this tactic, and Wendy had stopped making new friends a while ago. What was the point when she would move away a few months later anyway? Instead, she had started photographing. Photos were stable, and even when they had to leave another place, another home, the pictures would stay with her like she was still there._

_Suddenly the screaming downstairs stopped. Wendy pushed back her headphones, out of experience she could say that the worst part was over now. Maybe her father would go to a bar and would be home barley in the next few days, but in a week or so, everything would be back to normal. Maybe something of the dinner her mother had prepared was still warm? Wendy decided to give it a try, let camera fall down on the bed and ran down the stairs, taking two stairs with each step. The food stood on the table, still steaming, but as soon as Wendy sat down to fix herself a plate, she could hear her parents again.  
But this time, it sounded different. Wendy heard her mother crying, which had never happened in her whole life. And was she begging? Wendy didn't get an answer to this question, because the next thing to be heard was the loud slam of a door, than her father stormed through the dining room, a big suitcase in his hands and with a determinedface. Her mother followed him, crying and trying to hold him back without success.  
Only when they had disappeared to he front door and Wendy heared her mother screaming: „Please, don't go! I'll make it up, I promise. I can change!", she realized, what was about to happen. Of course, she knew what a divorce was. Most of the parents of her former friends had been divorced. But she had never imagined that such a thing could happen to her parents.  
As fast as she could, Wendy jumped of her chair and ran after her mother, who stood in the doorframe, holding it like she couldn't stand by herself. Wendy pushed herself past her mother, just in time to see her father putting his suitcase in the back of his car.  
„Please, daddy, wait!", she screamed, tears streaming out her eyes as she ran towards him.  
Her father hesitated and waited, until she stood in front of him.  
„Please, daddy, take me with you! I don't want to stay here, I don't want to stay with her. Please, let me go with you."  
„I love you, butterfly.", her father promised her with a small sight of a smile. „And I would like nothing more than taking you with me. But I can't, at least not for now. But I promise, when I got everything settled, I will come and get you. You think you can wait that long?"  
Wendy wanted to say no, but she couldn't disappoint her father, so she nodded slightly and his smile grew bigger.  
„Take care of yourself, Wendy, because your mother surely won't.", he finally said and gave her a last kiss on the forehead. „And never forget that I love you."  
With tears flowing down her face, Wendy saw how her father get on in his car and drove away without throwing a last look at her. She never forgot those words, even when her mom sold the house and they had to move to a trailer park near a little town called Charming. She was sure, some day her dad would find her, and take her with him._

_Then she wouldn't have to wait outside anymore, when her mother was fucking whoever she had met at the groceries store this day. Then she wouldn't have to hear her mother saying that it was important that Wendy was pretty because she was dumb as a stone and didn't have much more use than looking at her. Then she would't have to be there, the first time one of her mothers boyfriends tried to force himself on her._

_But her father didn't come back, and Wendy had to go through all of that every day fort he next six years._

At first, it was just a beeping. Monotonous and quite somewhere in the back of her head. But the beeping got louder, and after a while, the dark which surrounded Wendy got lighter, until she could see the shadows of humans in front of her, watching her and talking. Where was she? Wendy didn't believe she had lived good enough to go to heaven, but for hell this was quite cold. And why could she feel a sharp pain in her left arm?  
„Wendy?"A male voice seemed to call her form somewhere far away. „Wendy, can you hear me?"  
Why were they calling her? She was dead, there was no point in calling her, she couldn't hear them. But then again, why did she hear them?  
One of her eyelids was opened abruptly and a bright light met her eye, it felt like her head would explode and the beeping sound got much faster, like it was racing.  
„St … Stop … Stop it!", Wendy finally managed to say.  
The light disappeared and Wendy opened her eyes blinking. Why was she not dead?  
The first thing that Wendy noticed, was, that her baby belly had disappeared. Then she began to look around and found herself in an unadorned room with white walls and a small window. The only furniture was a metal bed on which Wendy laid just in the moment, three people in white coats stood around her. One of them, an older man, the one who had shone into her eye, inspected her with a mixture of sorrow and pity, a look only doctors had. Obviously she was at the St. Thomas hospital, and that could only mean one thing. Somehow, Wendy had survived.  
„Why am I not dead?"was the first question that came into Wendy's mind.  
„Miss Teller, you had a serious overdose on a big amount of Crack. We had to make an emergency C-section. Don't your remember?", the doctor in front of Wendy asked.  
"Yes, I remember, but … this was not supposed to happen. I made sure I took enough dope to kill me and the baby at least three times. And than, another question appeared in Wendy's head. "Oh my god, my baby! What happened to my baby?"  
„Your son is fine, Mrs. Teller, according to the circumstances. He is ten weeks imature, has a congenital heart defect gastroschisis, a tear in his abdomen. We were able to remedy the gastroschisis and your son is stable for now, nevertheless we have to keep him in an incubator until he is strong enough and has developed a functioning immune system. Dr. Namid is looking for him and he is the best neonatal surgeon this side of Sacramento.  
It was like somebody had put a rope around Wendy's neck and was now pulling it together in a slow pace. Her breathing got flat and the ERG which Wendy was attached to beeped like it was a robot trying to send a message. Black spots already appeared in Wendy's vision when the doctor took action. Somebody laid an oxygen tube to her nose and the container of her IV was changed while the doctor tried talking to her in a calming voice.  
„Maybe it's the best, if we give you a bit rest.", the doctor decided. "We will give you some morphine so you can calm down, so you will be asleep any second. But don't be afraid, everything will be alright. We are calling your husband and telling him, that you were awake."

Wendy tried to stop them from giving her any morphine – it was one of her triggers, but before she could do it, everything around her went black and the noises slowly faded away.

Wendy didn't know, how long the morphine knocked her out, but when she came back to her senses, there was no one around her anymore. It took a second until she realized what had waken her up – it was the quite familiar but unpleasant feeling of the Crack and the morphine leaving her body. She had only taken one shot, but it seemed like her body remembered all the times she had been high by choice and not to kill herself. Wendy knew that there were only two options, either she tried to sleep and be very careful the next days until the biggest danger was over, or she would rise her morphine dose so she would spend the worst withdrawl peacefully sleeping. But as she looked up to the IV if there was still some morphine left, Wendy saw a woman sitting in the corner of the room. Gemma Teller-Marrow, her arms folded above her chest and with a look on her face which showed that she was neither happy that Wendy was away nor that she was here to offer condolences or wish a fast recovery.  
„It looks like the boy might actually see his first birthday" Gemma said, her voice incredibly loud in the quiet room.

„He will make it? Oh thank god!" Wendy exhaled.

„Oh god has nothing to do with this, thank Dr. Namid and Tara instead. Because if there was a god, he would make sure that my wonderful grandson would not be born by a murderous junkie mom who cared more about a 40$ rush than she did her own flash and blood."  
Wendy should have seen this coming. She had done a horrible thing, and she had to take responsibility for it. But Gemma Teller-Marrow was nobody she had to justify her actions to.

„Gemma, listen. I know you are angry at me, and you have every right to be. But you have to understand, this wasn't about the rush. It's just … I couldn't do it anymore. You of all woman should know that. I didn't intend to cause some permanent damage on my son, this all wasn't part of the plan."

„When did you ever have a plan? And what couldn't you do anymore? Living in a nice house and not lifting a finger while Jax does everything for you? Couldn't you stand the thought that you aren't the center of his attention any second of the day? No, I'll tell you what happened. You got tired of staying clean in order to make sure that your son is healthy and so you took the easy way out. Because you are a coward, and Able deserves a better mother than you." Gemma seemed angry, angrier than Wendy had ever seen her. And for the first time in her life, Wendy was scared of her mother-in-law. When Gemma got really into something, she could become a bit crazy.

„I will become better, I promise. It's gonna be different this time, I have a baby to live for."

„Listen to yourself. Saying this time will be different. Wendy, you are awake only for a few minutes and I can already see the first signs of withdrawal."

„I didn't relapse! It was a one time thing, it will never happen again!" Wendy promised.

„You say that now? But how long will it take until this „one time thing" happens again? Six month? Three? A couple of month? How long, until I walk into my grandson crying on the floor because you decided on getting high instead of taking care of him?"

„He is still my baby." Wendy insisted.

„That's where you are wrong. You have no baby, you lost that privilege. And you so much as cast a shadow on that kid, try to turn some legal sure and get custody, I'll end you. He will never call you „Mommy", with my last breath I will make sure of that."

„I will go to Promises, I will get clean again, I swear to god!" Tears were again flowing down Wendy's face as she tied to make Gemma believe, that she could change. And if she was true to herself, Wendy had to say that Gemma had a point. What she had done to her son, was unforgiveable. She had tried to kill him. But now her son lived, and she would make anything to make up for what she had done.

„Yes, let's just throw money at those 12-steps-freaks and impress the D.A. with some bible studies. But that won't change what you are, a pathetic whore, and deep inside, you know that. However, the bright side is, Jesus has an answer to that problem as well."  
And with that, Gemma took a bible out of her handbag and gave it to Wendy. Without any other word, Gemma left and Wendy was alone, staring at the point the older woman had stood just seconds ago. The bible felt strange in her hand, heavy and uneven. So she looked at it more closely and saw that something was hidden between the pages. When she opened the bible on that spot, she only could congratulate Gemma. She clearly did her bible lessons.

>   
>  _Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy them. For God's temple is holy and you are that temple – Corinthians 3:16-17_  
> 

Of course, Wendy didn't believe in god, she had stopped praying to him when her mother had given away her camera. But her body had been the temple for her son, and she destroyed that temple, as well as her son's health. So, god or whatever supernatural force was leading her destiny, would destroy her. Maybe that was the reason why Gemma had put a syringe with a familiar milky-clear substance in it. 


	3. Coma Black

## Coma Black

There was something funny about addiction. Wendy now had been clean for nearly a year – since she had started trying to get a baby – but it took only one shot to get her hooked again. Her body screamed for more, she could feel the sweating start and nausea formed in her stomach. The syringe in front of her wasn’t helping. It seemed like it called her, sang to her in a strange voice only Wendy could hear. Maybe Gemma was right, she had tried it once and it didn’t work, so the only logical conclusion was to try it again. But why was it so hard this time? She had thought so long about it the first time. Wendy new the answer – because her son was living and laid just a few rooms down the floor.  
Wendy had no clue how long she had sat in her bed and stared at the syringe before she finally grabbed it. For a while they just twiddled it in her hands, and in the moment just before she wanted to look for a veine, the door to her room swang open. Like she had been struck by lightning Wendy flinched and hid the syringe under her blanket before she looked up and saw Jax entering. She only needed one second to see, that her husband was on the edge. He was pale and his hands shook barely noticeable as he closed the door behind him, but most of all he had blood stains all over his hoodie and didn’t seem to notice.  


“How is our son?”, Wendy asked as Jax sat down in the same chair his mother had been sitings just a few hours ago.  
“He is fine, as good as he can be, given the circumstances. Dr. Namid was able to finish his stomach and now we are waiting until he is strong enough that he can come out of the incubator. Our little boy is a fighter, has to have it from me.”  
“Probably.” Wendy said, and she had to say that she was relieved that her son was fine.  


For a while, none of them said a word and they both just stayed silent. So much had happened between them that they didn’t know where to start. Maybe, many years ago, there had been a time where there was a future for them together. But this ship had sailed and now they had no other choice than hold on to the wreckage or drown. But one of them had to make the first step.  


“Jax, I can’t you say how sorry I am. All this wasn’t supposed to happen, I never wanted to cause permanent damage to anyone, especially not our son. I just … I didn’t know what I should do, I snapped and everything went wrong. I no, this doesn’t make it better, I just want you to know that it wasn’t just about the rush.”  
“I already know that.”, Jax said after another break. “I went home a few hours ago, to change my clothes and found your letter on the kitchen table.”  
“And what do you say?”  
“Honestly, Wendy … I don’t know what to say. When I first got here and saw, what you had done to our son … I was furious. But then I found your letter, and maybe … I’m not saying that I understand what you did, can forgive you or god beware think it was the right thing. Nevertheless, I have to say that I could have been more involved in this pregnancy. And I apologize for all the times I cheated on you. This didn’t help either for sure.”  
“So … what do we do now?” Wendy asked and looked Jax in the eyes for the first time, he seemed as helpless as she.  
“Seriously … I don’t know.”  
“Maybe your mother is right. We were never meant to be, Jax. I know you will be a great father, and I’m sure you will find a woman who will be a perfect mother for our son. Tara is back in town and we both know that you never stopped loving her. This is your chance for you to start a family. But if all of this taught us one thing, then it’s that I`m clearly not ready to be a mum. You will take care of our son and I will make sure that I never endanger your lifes ever again.”  
“How do you want to make sure of that?”, Jax wanted to know, he didn’t seem so thrilled with this plan.  
Wendy hesitated for a second, then she pulled her blanket back and showed him the syringe.  
“Your mother brought it to me just a few hours ago. She said, she would make sure that I never again cast a shadow over our kid.”  
“Do not even think about this!”, Jax exclaimed and jumped out of the chair to grab the syringe out of Wendy’s hands. “You aren’t allowed to make those decisions on your own anymore, you are a mother now. Do you think it will help any of us if you kill yourself? How should I explain this to our son when he is older? This boy needs a mother.”  
“I would be a terrible mother!”, Wendy screamed and tears streamed down her face – again. “Don’t you see that? I only took one shot of crack and now all I can think about is doing it again. When I can’t even keep myself clean, how can I take care of a baby.”  
“Then we will get you back to rehab. You’ll get clean we’ll see from there.”  
“No” Wendy said and now it was her grabbing Jax’ hand. “If I’m going to do this, I can’t have a safety net. If I make this rehab, I have to concentrate on myself, only on myself. That wouldn’t be fair for you, and not for our son either.”  
“So, what do you suggest?” Jax asked, and if Wendy didn’t knew better she would say he seemed scared.  
“You are a good man, Jax. You always were. And you are too decent to leave the mother of your child. So I’ll make this decision for you, although it’s really hard. Because I love you, Jax, and I probably always will. But when I married you, I took this love and forced it into a box. We took this beautiful thing that we had some day, and turned it into something toxic. So maybe, I have to open this box again and let it free. What means, I think we should get a divorce.”  


After that, no one said a word for a while again. Jax didn’t know why this was so hard for him. He had already made plans for getting divorced, the papers laid in the top shelf of his drawer. And although he had canceled this plans when he found out that Wendy had been pregnant, the thought never really left his head. Especially after he had met Tara, who had moved back to town. And he agreed with Wendy in most of her points, they didn’t belong to each other. So, why did he still hesitate?  


“I think you are right.”, Jax finally said. “Tomorrow I’ll call Lowen and he will make the contracts ready. But I still want you to be a part of our sons life. I promise, we’ll visit you while you’re in rehab and we will visit you every second weekend as soon as you’re out.”  
“Thank you” Wendy said, now the tears in her eyes came from relief. “Really, I don’t know how I will ever make up for that.”  
“You don’t have to make up for it, you never can. But you can become the mother our son deserves.”  
“You know, we maybe should start picking out a name for him. We can’t keep referring to him as ‘our son’” Wendy said with a small smile on her lips.  
“Do you have any ideas?” Jax wanted to know.  
Again, Wendy hestitated. This time, because she was kind of embarrassed.  
“My father always read the story of Kain and Able to me. How Kain got jealous of his brother Able and killed him. He wanted to teach me, that bad things happen to good people and that life isn’t always fair. Somehow, this story stuck with me. And our boy, he has gone through so much although he is only a few hours old. If someone has suffered for the sins of another person, it’s him.”  
“So what, do you want to call our son Able?” Jax realized.  
“What would you say?” Wendy asked, now she was scared.  
“Able sounds great.” Jax assured her and grabbed her hand. “We will make this work, aren’t we?”  
“We will try.” Wendy promised him and pressed his hand reassuringly.  


“For Able”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello together!
> 
> I finally found out how to add notes, so finally I can great you all to my new fan fiction. I hope, you all enjoyed it so far. This pic had been on my laptop for a while now and I had totally forgotten about it until recently, so I started reviewing and publishing it. It's non canon-compliant and shows especially the character of Wendy in another light, but I still hope you like it. Don't hesitate leaving a comment with your thoughts and ideas!
> 
> By the way: As you might have noticed - english isn't my first language. I'm originally from Germany and although I had english classes for a few years, this all would be a mess without google translator. If I make spelling or grammar mistakes, please tell me in a comment, because I would really like to improve my english.
> 
> Now, thanks for staying so long!


	4. Personal Jesus

## Personal Jesus

Wendy never wanted to be a mother. She had never been able to learn what a good mother was - after all, she had never had one. Of course she had seen the mothers of her classmates: women in yoga pants who took their daughters to school in large family vans and kissed their forehead before handing them a homemade breakfast. But her mother was different, especially after Wendy's father left her family. From that day on, Georgina Chase had had other problems than looking after her daughter. And so Wendy had learned different things than normal girls. She had no idea about cooking, but knew which medication to take for which sexually transmitted disease and where to get it from as discreetly as possible. She hadn't changed a lightbulb in her life, but she knew how to buy a month more time with the foreclosure with the right make-up and a low-cut top. Maybe that was why Gemma had never liked her. How could someone with this level of knowledge ever be able to look after a family?

So Wendy had out aside the motherhood plan before she really thought about it. But then she had met Jax and everything had changed. Of course, Jax had never said it, but Wendy could see how much he loved children. She had seen it in his eyes every time Opie and Donna came to visit. And it had become clear to Wendy that if she wanted to keep Jax she had to get pregnant somehow. So she'd stopped taking the pill and it hadn't been two months before Wendy was pregnant. For a while, she had really convinced herself that she could do it. Just because her mother was a bad mother didn't mean she had to be one too - it wasn't hereditary, after all. But the closer she got to her due date, the more worried she became. Just the thought of soon being responsible for a small creature that practically had a self-destruct button on its head triggered panic in her. What if she did something wrong? Gemma would never let her forget that. And Jax hadn't been of any help either, he had always had to disappear for the club and when he did come home at night, he had smelled of perfume and a bitch.  
That was how Wendy had finally realized that she wasn't ready to be a mother. Maybe she would never be, who knew? So she had chosen the easy way out - the final one. Her ending would have been like that of a female heroine in a Shakespearian drama, not that she ever read any of them. But everything had gone wrong, so wrong that she had seriously injured her unborn son. That made her the worst mother in history, worse even than her own mother, and there was a terrible irony in that.

Wendy had realized all of this the first time she saw Abel. It was her release-date, tomorrow she would move to the Promises-house in Oakland, to start her rehab. Visitors weren’t allowed during the first weeks, and so there would be two months before she could see Abel again. If he was out of the incubator by then. So Jax had brought her to the neonatal-station, together they stood in front of the large window and admired their son.  
He was so small and fragile, Wendy wouldn’t even dare to take him in her hand, even if he might fit. When he inhaled, he quickly inflated to the double of his size and his fingers closed to a tiny fist around the tube of his oral airway. Without Wendy realizin it, a tear ran down her cheek and Jax encouragingly squeezed her hand, which he hold in his.

"Jax, I'm so very sorry!" Wendy whispered, her voice trembling.

“What happened happened. We can't go back. From now on we can only try to be the best parents for Abel f that he can wish for. “Jax just replied.

And that's exactly what Wendy's decided to do. When she saw her son fight his life because of her not being strong enough, she vowed to really change this time. She would go through rehab and stay clean. She would secured an apartment here in the region, get a job and build herself a life until she was ready to be a mother. Not for herself, for Abel too. He deserved a mother who could take care of him. And no mother like the way Wendy’s own mother had been.

Jax was just filling out the final papers for her release and Wendy was packing up her things. She had stayed in the hospital for almost ten days, so a lot had accumulated. Wendy was in the process of deciding whether she still needed the maternity clothes she had been wearing when she overdosed when there was a knock on the door behind her. She turned around quickly and saw Dr. Knowles standing in the entrance to her room.

"Tara, what do you want?" She asked surprised.

"You still have to sign a form that enables Jax to make medical decisions for Abel while you are in rehab," Tara explained, waving some papers.

Wendy didn't answer, but held out her hand demandingly. Tara handed her the papers and Wendy tried to understand them, but she gave up after the first sentence and just put her signature at the end. Jax would know what he was doing. When she turned back she could see Tara giving her a strange look.

"You have to love that, don't you?" Wendy wanted to know and pulled her bag shut. "That I fucked it up and Jax is now free again."

"I would never have wanted something like this to happen," Tara contradicted immediately. "Neither to you nor to anyone else."

"It's okay, we've never been friends, there's no reason we should pretend it's any different now. And we both know I only had a chance at Jax because you weren't in town anymore. And now that you're back, it won't be long before you get back together. "

"I'm not here to ..."

But Wendy didn't let Tara have a say, she shouldered her bag and turned to her.

“Save it, you probably fit together a lot better anyway. And Abel will need a mother, I don't want Gemma to be the only female caregiver in his life. Better you than any other bitch from the club. But let me warn you: right now Jax may seem like the poor father with the unreliable wife, but you've left him before and there was a reason. Jax loves the club, maybe even more than Abel or you or me - even if he doesn't want to admit it. And that will never change. He will never change. I just hope you find out faster than me, maybe there is still hope for you. You're smart, you can do it."

With that, Wendy left her hospital room, leaving a confused and slightly unsettled Tara behind.


	5. No Reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy my latest chapter. But in the beginning, I have to say that there'll be rape mentioned in this chapter, although I updated the tags, consider this as your trigger warning.  
> Now an apology to everyone who likes Tig as a character, I normally like him as well but I needed a villain for this story, so I hope you can forgive me. And I'm really terrible at writing sex-scenes, so I try to keep them as short as possible, that applies to this chapter as well.  
> Please, leave kuddos if you like it and write reviews, I really want to improve myself.
> 
> Now, happy reading!

## No Reflection

##    


Wendy hated rehab. Not because of the withdrawal. Well, at least not only because of the withdrawal. If she was honest, the first few days of cold turkey were hell. She spend them on her knees in front of the toilet bowl, throwing everything up she had eaten the last year. The meds they gave her in the hospital seemed to have been stronger than she had noticed, Methadone was a bitch. But after two weeks, all drugs finally seemed to have left her body, she could eat again and began to gain a few pounds which she hadn’t even done during her pregnancy. Even her hair came back. But with her rising health, her boredom grew as well.  
When Wendy had been a little girl, she had been good on spending time on her own. An ability she had learned because she didn’t have many friends in school. But somewhere during her puberty she had lost this ability. Now she was accustomed to spend her days in the clubhouse, together with a few Sons and the other sluts who claimed to be her friends. Silence, lonliness and boredom were her enemies, because then she began to think – which never ended well.  
The lonliness was even worse in rehab. She had to stay in her room from eight p.m. until seven a.m.. The time in between she had to spend in the common rooms playing stupid board games together with the other ex-junkies, eat disgusting food or attend the group therapy sessions.  
One of the former attendees of the program left a camera here and Wendy remembered herself of the hobby she had when she had been younger. Although there weren’t many things to photographa during a closed rehab, it was better than thinking about what would happen as soon as she left this program. Because Wendy had been in rehab many times and completed at least half of them, she never managed to stay clean. The withdrawal wasn’t the hardest part, the hardest part was staying clean even if you weren’t imprisoned in a three square-meters room any more. So, Wendy took photos of drawings the other junkies had made, animals she could see from her window and everything else she saw. Just so she didn’t had to think about how her son was fighting for his life in a hospital just a few miles away and she couldn’t be with him because she had fucked up.  
But by far the worst part of rehab was the therapy. Wendy had a few therapists over the years and they all had been the same. Men or women from happy families who never had a problem in their life, felt guilty because of that and decided to help the society by telling junkies how to make their lifes right again. As if they had any idea what real problems were.  


The therapist of “Promises” wasn’t better. A young woman, a few years younger than Wendy, with a blonde ponytail and deer-like brown eyes. Wendy would have bet her left tit that the womans father had paid for her college, she had been a cheerleader and a frat boy had been her boyfriend. Maybe this was only a transitional job for her, until she finally got pregnant. Or she had some kind of helper-complex and thought that she could make up for privileged life by listening to poorer people.  
In her first session, the therapist had introduced herself as “Amy” and from that second Wendy knew, that she didn’t like this woman. So, she spend her sessions just sitting on the suprisingly comfortable couch staring at the ceiling. This tactic worked a few weeks, they just remained silent and Amy – whose official name was Dr. Shepard – just made some notes on her notepad. Only when Wendy entered the room for her fifth session, something changed.  


“So, Wendy, how are you feeling today?”, Dr. Shepard asked.  
Wendy was surprised, the therapist hadn’t tried to break the habit until now. But she decided to simply ignore it. Instead, she sat down on the couch and crossed her arms. But this time, Dr. Shepard didn’t want to give up.  
“You know, if you continue to refuse to participate in therapy, we can exclude you from the program.”  
“I participate in the group sessions.” Wendy insisted, obviously annoyed. “I just don’t see a point in the private sessions.”  
“And why not?”, Dr. Shepard wanted to know.  
“Don’t take this personal. I’m sure you are a smart girl, graduated with honors and all that shit. But you are about 25 years old, and that’s a generous estimate. I took my first hit when you weren’t even legal. And I’ve been in therapy a few times now, I know how it works. I’ll talk with you and in the end, you diagnose me with bipolar disorder or some other fancy shit you read about in your specialist book, tell me I have abandonment issues and have to stop making my self-esteem dependent on other people’s approval. But to be honest – all of that is worth shit. Because, if you stand in front of a mirror and you feel nothing else but disgust for the person looking back at you, everything else but making this feeling disappear doesn’t matters. You just want to be able to look into the mirror again, and if a shot does that, you take the risk.”  
“You’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? Why didn’t you say that when you signed up for this program?”  
Now Wendy couldn’t help but laugh.  
“That’s the only thing you remembered? I just told you more about my life than to anybody else in the last five years and you just focused on the point you can medicate. Thank you, you just proved my point.”  
And with that, Wendy got up and left the room.  


_“Tig – I’m not quite sure if we should really do this?”  
“Don’t be a coward, Wendy. I promise, you’ll like it.” Tig assured her, while he tightened the belts with which he had tied her to the posts of his bed. Wendy laid nude on her stomach, her face buried into the pillows. She still didn’t know for sure how she had ended up here. The last thing she remembered was playing some drinking-game with the guys in the clubhouse, then she found herself upstairs in Tig’s room, tied to his bed. Tig insisted that she had agreed to some sexual experiment – which exactly Wendy still didn’t know – but in her stomach rose the feeling that she wouldn’t like it as much as Tig promised. She hated it to feel vulnerable, and everything in her body screamed she should run as fast and as far as she could.  
“Just relax, I promise, you will like it.”  
And with that, Tig let go of the belts and got off from the bed. Wendy couldn’t see what he did, but she could hear him open a drawer, then he came back.  
“What are you doing?” Wendy started panicking.  
“Just enjoy it.” Tig said, then Wendy could feel him spreading her asscheeks, her heartbeat rose to the pulse of a hummingbird. She got a terrible suspicion.  
“Tig Stop!” she screamed. “You know, I don’t do anal.”  
“You said yes downstairs, quite eagerly if I recall.” Tig just said, and then she could feel something cold and slimy on her puckered hole. Lube.  
“You should feel honored, I don’t give this convenience to everyone.”, was the last thing Tig said, than Wendy could feel his cock pressing through her muscle-ring. Wendy tried to defend herself, but he had tied her arms and legs to the bedframe, and when she started to scream, he pressed her face into the pillows. So, Wendy could do nothing else than to concentrate on the pain floating through her body. After a while, she stopped screaming – where would be the point – and just tried to survive it. He had to be finished at some point, right? And although it seemed like an eternity, Tig finally came with an animalistic grunt deep down in Wendy’s ass. But even after that, when Tig had loosened the belts on her knuckles and wirsts, she couldn’t stand up. Wendy just laid there, her head buried in the pillows, and tried to forget that every muscle in her body burned. The Sons weren’t the nicest people, and they weren’t very gently in the sack. But this was something else. Wendy had never felt so dirty, used and broken, and she didn’t knew if she would ever come back from that.  
_

It took only seconds for Wendy to be fully awake again. Since this eventful night, she had nightmares. And what she had said to the therapist was true, since then she wasn’t able to look in the mirror any more. Shortly after that, Wendy had been introduced to meth, drinking simply wasn’t enough for her anymore. She had tried to talk to Gemma, but the matriarch just said she should keep her mouth shut and take it – her only task as Croweater.  
The nightmares always came together with nausea, which was why she had spend the following weeks on the floor of a bathroom – in her house or in the clubhouse. Speaking of, in this second Wendy wanted to throw up. She jumped out of the bed and ran in her bathroom, kneeling in front of a toilet was something she’s gotten used to in the last years. One of the riddles of life for Wendy were, how she could throw up if she hadn’t really eaten in the last few days. But it took her about half an hour until she could get up again. Slightly shivering she took her toothbrush and brushed her teeth, as if that could make the disgusting feeling rushing through her body go away. Normally, that would be the moment for her to call her dealer, she normally did after a nightmare. After a hit, she could sleep peacefully for about a week. But this wasn’t an option any more, and so she did the only other thing coming into her mind right now. She rushed to the telephone in the common room and dialed the number of the St. Thomas hospital, praying that the right person would pick up.  


“St. Thomas Hospital, you are speaking to Dr. Knowles.”  
Wendy sighted relieved, not knowing that she had held her breath.  
“Tara, I’m so glad you picked up.”  
“Wendy, is that you? Do you know how late it is?”  
“Yeah, I know. And I’m really sorry, but … I’m having some sort of mental breakdown right know and I just though … maybe hearing how Abel is would help me?”  
For a second, Tara remained silent and Wendy was afraid that she had hung up, but then the young doctor said: “I don’t know how he is, because I’m working in another department right now, but it’s a calm night. If you want, I can go to him.”  
“Would you do that?” Wendy asked, and a tear ran down her face.  
“Of course, wait a second.” Wendy could hear steps on the hospital floor and distant voices, then the steps stopped. “He is doing great, his results are stable and we can stop the artificial nutrition in a few days.”  
“That sounds wonderful” Wendy said smiling, although Jax had told her during her weekly calls that their son was doing great, it was calming hearing it from a doctor.  
“And … how is he looking? Jax wasn’t able to send pictures.”  
“He’s looking stronger every day.” Tara said, and she seemed to smile as well. “He has Jax’ wonderful blue eyes, but his lips are definitely yours. I’m sure he will grow into a handsome boy as soon as he his out of here.”  
“Thank you, Tara. You have no idea how much that means to me.” Wendy whispered.  
“Wendy ...” Tara sighted. “I don’t want to act like I know what you are going through right now. And I can understand, If you want to break everything off and give up. For yourself, it might even be the best decision. But if you decide on going through with it, I promise you that there will be a strong and healthy boy waiting here for you.”  
“You are right. That was what I wanted to hear. Thank you.” Wendy whispered.  
“Don’t worry – just focus on yourself for a while.” Tara answered. “And if you want to have an update on Abel, I can call you once or twice a week, it might be more pleasant than talking to Jax.”  
“That would be really great. I owe you something.”  
“Just focus on getting better, that’s thanks enough.”  
And with that, Tara hung up.  



	6. The beautiful people

## 

The beautiful people 

It was a strange feeling being back in the St. Thomas Hospital, although Wendy wasn’t a patient this time. She was here to pick Abel up, for the first time in over six month she could see her son again. 

When she had been relieved from Rehab a few weeks ago, Jax had said her that he didn’t think bringing her into a hospital would be a good idea - and Wendy had to admit that he was right. So she had moved to a sober-living house just a few towns away, waiting for the day Able could leave the hospital.

And this day was today. Jax had called her yesterday evening and invited her not only to the welcome-home-party he would throw for his son at his new home, but also to pick Abel up at the hospital with him, so they could get a few moments just together. Wendy didn’t hesitate long and even her boss - the owner of the greasy diner she worked in - had understood that she needed a day off. So Wendy had woken up very early in the morning and was at the hospital too early. But Jax seemed the feel the same way, he was already there as well. 

It was still wired, being alone with Jax. There had been a time where the could’ve talked about everything, but this time was long gone now. The persons they had been there were long gone now. The only thing that kept them together, was their son. So they stayed uncomfortably silent while they were waiting for Dr. Namid.

Finally, the elderly doctor with the kind smile came, and he looked quite satisfied with himself.„Mr. Teller, Miss Chase, I’ll bring you to your son now.“  
Tara stood behind the doctor and threw a fast smile at both Wendy and Jax before she pu her work-face back on. Jax nodded and so Dr. Namid turned around - leading the small group to the neonatal unit. 

The first thing, Wendy realized when she saw her son, was, that he wasn’t intubated anymore. He also had grown over the last few month and except for a big scar on his sternum, he looked like every other child in this age.The hadn’t even stopped next to Ables bed yet when Wendy had already started crying. Jax threw a understanding look at her and reached for her hand.„He looks wonderful, doesn’t he?“Wendy could only nod.

Wendy only listened to what the doctor said with one ear, her whole attention laid on Able. While she saw him, laying there, with blue eyes and a permanent smile on his lips, she knew that all of that had been worth it. Every sleepless night in rehab, every therapy session after which she had felt worse than before. All of that had lead to this moment, and she would do it all again if she could turn back the time. No, when she would turn back the time, she would go back to her old self and slap it in the face for ever bringing their beautiful angel into any danger.

„Wendy? Did you listen?“  
Jax voice and pressure on her hand brought Wendy back to reality, still with tears in her eyes she looked up.  
„I’m sorry, doctor Namid, what did you say?“  
„I said that Mr. Teller as Abels legal guardian has some papers to sign, you and Dr. Knowles can stay here. We will be back in a few minutes.“  
Wendy threw a questioning glance towards Jax - it was his decision if he allowed her alone in the presence of their son - but he nodded and pressed her hand reassuringly before he let go of her.  
„We’ll wait here.“ Wendy said and watched the two men leave.

„Do you want to hold him?“  
Suprised Wendy looked up to Tara, who had waited silently in a corner until the now. After Jax and Dr. Namid had left, Wendy had gone back to admiring her son, so lost in her thoughts that she’d nearly forgot that she wasn’t alone.  
„Are you sure?“ Wendy asked, uncertain.  
„You are his mother, that shouldn’t be a problem.“ Tara assured her and stepped next to Wendy.   
With obvious practice, she lifted Abel up and laid him in her arms, he seemed perfectly fine with it. For a second, Wendy wondered how often Tara had hold him in the last few weeks. But she brushed those thoughs off - she hadn’t been here the past months and it was her fault. If she wanted to be angry at someone, it had to be herself.  
„You have to steady his head with one hand and hold the other to his back. And don’t try to grip to hard, you see?“ Tara explained.

Wendy nodded eagerly and then Tara hold Abel out so she could grab him. In this moment, Wendy fully realized how small and fragile the little boy was and her heart skipped a few beats while she tried to copy how Tara had held Able. For a second, it seemed like he wanted to cry, because he was moved, but then he snuggled into Wendy’s shoulder and made a grunt, which somehow sounded satisfied.  
„He recognizes your smell.“ Tara explained. „I learned during my training that babys orientate themselves mostly through their sense of smell, especially in their first months. So I gave him clothes from you and Jax to sleep when he was in the incubator.“

„I don’t know how to thank you.“ Wendy said, but she couldn’t turn her eyes away from the small wonder in her arms. „Calling me during rehab, giving him my clothes … you didn’t have to do any of that.“

But Tara didn’t answer. All she made was a quiet sob, and when Wendy looked up, she saw that the other woman was crying. When Tara noticed that she was looking, she quickly turned away and wiped her tears away, and before Wendy could ask her, the men came back.

„I seems like you two get along just fine.“ Jax said as he saw Wendy with Able, a smile beamed on his face. She didn’t remember when she had seen him this happy the last time, for sure not during her marriage.

„I still can’t fully believe it.“ Wendy admitted, and she as well couldn’t stop herself from smiling. „I’m holding our son!“

„And you look great together, a nice little family.“ Dr. Namid assured, and before someone could correct him, he added: „Tara, why don’t you take a photo of the three - so they have a memorabilia for this day?“

Wendy wanted to object, but Jax was faster and gave Tara his mobile. Then he stood next to Wendy and laid an arm around her shoulder while she still held Able. The clicking sound of the phone showed that Tara made some photos.

„They are perfect.“ she then said and gave the phone back to Jax, but her voice sounded like she just announced the death of someone.

„Well then, Mr. Teller and Miss Chase - I don’t see a reason why you should be here any longer. If wish you a happy day and hope that we won’t see each other very soon.“

And with that, Dr. Namid was gone and Tara followed him as fast as she could.

Because Jax had come to the hospital with his bike, he took Wendy up on her offer on taking him with her to their house - or to the place that had been their house. Able was put in the baby seat Wendy had brought from her first salary. Like nothing had changed in the last six month, Tax took the keys to her car and sat down on the drivers seat while Wendy put Abel in his seat and sat down next two him. Shortly after they left the hospital-parking lot, Abel began to cry. Wendy assumed that ehe was nervous and scared. But she was also scared - that something would happen to her son if she took him out of the carrier and Fax would have an accident. So she tried to comfort and coo him, with the most loving and assuring voice she could manage.And it worked - a few streets later Abel had decided that crying wasn’t worth it and admired the ceiling of the car.

“You are doing great.” Jax explained as Wendy fell back into her seat with a relieved sight.

“I’m just afraid that I will mess him up like my mum did with me.” Wendy answered.

“I’ll make sure that you don’t.” Jax promised her.

“Yeah, you, your mother and … Tara.”  
Jax made a noise like he had choked on something and Wendy was afraid that he would drive them into the ditch.

“What do you mean with that?”

“Don’t play the stupid, Jax. I know it was just a question of time until you two came back together as soon as she rolled back in time. You two are like some sort of magnets, who aren’t good for each other but still attract each other. So, did you fuck her yet?”

“Yes, we slept together one time, but … it’s difficult. We haven’t talked about it yet.” Jax tried to explain and Wendy smiled when the saw in the rear mirror that he was turning red.

“Well then you should. I have grown to like her - as unlikely as it sounds - and you two belong to each other. Not to mention that she would be a great mother for Abel.”

“You are his mother, I thought we established that.” Jax objekted.  
“Jackson, we both know I’m far from the mother he deserves. He can’t even spend a night at my place because I’m surely not bringing him into a house full of ex-junkies. He needs someone who is there for him every day of the goddamn week and I think Tara would be perfect for that. And she loves him, I’ve seen that in the hospital.” Wendy assured him and she could see that he relaxed a bit. The whole Tara-Abel thing seemed to stress him out. “And that Gemma hates her is just a bonus.” She added grinning.

“You might be right with that.” Jax admitted. He seemed to want to say something else, but in that moment the parked in front of the house and Wendy saw the many cars and bikes standing here.

“Did you invite the whole club for the “Coming Home”-party?” She asked, panic rising in her voice.

“Well, let’s just say mum thought that we needed a reason to celebrate.” Jax explained and threw a caring look at her. “Don’t worry, I said everyone that they should go easy on you. And I’ll be with you the whole time to make sure my mum doesn’t rip you into pieces.”

“Like you could stop her.” Wendy muttered and got out of the car while Jax took Able out of his seat.

The first thing Wendy noticed when she entered this house which had been hers, was, that it was totally clean - even cleaner than when she had bought it. This had to be Gemma’s work and immediately she felt more guilty. 

But there wasn’t time for guilt because they were greeted by everyone before they even had closed the door behind them. Everyone wanted to hold the little prince and no one took notice of Wendy. Only a few crow eaters who somehow managed to get invited threw spiteful looks at her, but she had gotten used to that a few years ago when she and Jax had started dating.

When she stood in front of Gemma and the older woman didn’t scream at her but pulled Wendy into a tight hug, she suspected that somewhere on their way home they had switched to a different reality, but everything seemed so real. Nobody said anything and Jax stood the whole time behind her. 

It was surprisingly easy, falling back into old habits. After they had greeted everyone, Abel went back into Wendy’s arms and she held him while she and Jax said down on the sofa together with the others. He threw an arm around her shoulder and one of the croweaters bought her a cup of tea. Soon, Donna sat next to her and the women talked like the last six month didn’t happen while Kenny and Ellie admired the little Able. When Able got hungry and started to cry, Gemma insisted to give him his bottle and Wendy followed her into the kitchen.

“You and Jax seem pretty close.” Gemma said while she warmed the milk in a pot with water. “Have I missed something.”

“You could never miss something, you are Gemma Teller-Marrow.” Wendy explained with a short smile while he rocked Able gently to calm him. “But we get along quite well, even after all that happened.”

“Yeah …” Gemma fell silent for a second and then gave Wendy the warm bottle full of milk. “You know, I though a lot and I want to say that I’m sorry for all that happened between us.”

Now Wendy knew that something was odd - Gemma never apologised for anything. But she didn’t want to make a mistake and remained silent.

“And … you are still Able’s mother, I can’t change that. In addition, Jax will need an old lady who will take care of his son and this house, and you two have been married for a few years, so if you want to come back together … I wouldn’t be totally opposed to the idea.”

For a second, Wendy believed that she had dreamed. Gemma couldn’t be serious, could she? But even after a few terribly long seconds of silence, Gemma still stood in front of her, her face emotionless like a mask.

“Gemma, you once said me that I’m a brainless fuck-dummie which is just good enough to be handed around in the club until her holes get lose. And that was when I was already married to your son.” Wendy reminded the matriarch.

“I didn’t mean that.” Gemma tried to contradict.

“We both know that you never say anything that you don’t mean.” Wendy insisted. “So what’s the real issue here?”Gemma sighted defeatedly.

“Alright, you win. To be honest, I still want to rip your eyes out for what you’ve done to my son and grandson. But although Jax tries to hide it, I see that something is going down between him and little Miss Doctor, and I rather die than letting that happen.” Gemma explained. 

“So I’m just the minor evil.” Wendy concluded.

“Yes, rather you than that bitch who tried to get him out of town. But you would benefit from that as well, don’t you see? You would get a perfect home, a family, Jax as a husband … wasn’t that everything you ever wanted? You can have it, you just have to take it.”

Wendy had to admit that Gemma had a point. Having a family - especially with Jax - still seemed like a dream coming true. But she also knew that this wouldn’t be so easy like Gemma put it. Nevertheless, before she could answer, Jax entered the kitchen.

“Now, what are you two lovely ladies plotting in the kitchen?”

“Nothing.” Gemma answered immediately with a bright smile. “I was just saying how great Wendy is doing with little Able here.”

“She is, isn’t she.” Jax agreed and watched Wendy feeding Able, Gemma got that as a sign for leaving the kitchen.

“Do you want to give him the rest?” Wendy wanted to know as soon as they were alone. 

“I’d love to.”

Wendy gave Able to Jax and stood next to him to show him how to give the bottle to their son. 

“You can’t hold her to sharp or he will drink to much and have a colic. More flat so he can take little gulps.”

“How do you know all of that?” Jax wondered.

“Rehab was quite boring, to I read a few parenting books.” Wendy admitted in a shy smile.

“Why couldn’t it be that way when we were married?” Jax asked after they had stayed silent for a while. Only now Wendy realised how close they stood, but it didn’t feel 

“I don’t know.” She sighted, and meant it.

But before one of them could say something else, Tara entered the kitchen. She had to arrive at the party without anyone noticing. She only stood there for a second, capturing the scene in front of her, then tears appeared in her eyes, she turned around and ran away.

“Maybe you should talk to her.” Wendy suggested while she took Abel from his father.

“Maybe you are right.” Jax agreed and followed Tara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello together,
> 
> Here’s my latest chapter, just in time for the holidays. I hope you like it and wether you do or not, please leave some feedback!
> 
> A guest commented that I should improve my formatting so I tried a new technique in this chapter, do you like it better?
> 
> Now, happy holidays and a nice end for this shitty year!


	7. Chapter 7

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

_“Good Morning Wendy, how are you feeling today?”_

_  
Every therapy session seemed to start with this question. And if Wendy was honest, she didn’t knew how she felt. Guilty, scared, angry, bored and insecure at the same time - was there even a word to describe a feeling like that?_

_“I’m good, I think.” She finally decided._

_“You don’t sound very sure. Why do you think you’re good?” Dr. Shepard wanted to know.  
  
“I don’t feel like I have to take a hit every time I’m frustrated any more. And the nightmares are coming less frequently.”  
_

_“That’s nice to hear.” Dr. Shepard said while she made some notes on her notepad. “What do you dream instead?”  
_

_“Mostly nothing.” Wendy admitted. “And when I dream, I forget what I dreamed the second I wake up.”  
_

_Dr. Shepard nodded and made some more notes, but Wendy remembered something else.  
_

_“That’s not true, I recall one dream.”  
_

_“What was it about?”  
_

_“Do you know the novel “The Stepford wives”?” Wendy asked. Dr. Shepard shook her head no. “It’s about housewives in a small town called Stepford. At first, they seem like perfect, satisfied house wives. But as the book progresses, it turns out that the women are in fact somehow like programmed robots. I had to read the book in middle school for a book report and didn’t understand it that time. I asked myself if every housewife I saw in reality was just a robot as well. And I wondered if the women in the books knew if they were controlled …”  
_

_“What has all of that to do with your dream?” Dr Shepard tried to get Wendy back on track as she seemed to lose focus.  
_

_“The dream kind of felt like I was one of those Stepford wives. I saw Able, and a girl which I think was my daughter. There was a man as well, although I barely remember him. The point is, I was the mother and wife I always wanted to be, everything seemed perfect. But it didn’t seem real. Not because it was a dream. Because like it felt like something much bigger controlled me. It decided what I did, it decided what I said, and it even controlled my emotions. I knew that I loved the kids and my man, but I can’t say if it were my feelings or the things this being made me feel.”  
_

_“And what do you think that dream meant, for your current situation?” Dr. Shepard asked. She had now lowered her notepad and eyed Wendy interested.  
_

_“Isn’t it you job to tell me that?” Wendy answered with a dry laugh._

Wendy never found the answer to Dr. Shepards question. But while she was sitting next to Jax during the party, holding her son in her arms, she couldn’t help but wonder about it. Was she happy? And if she was happy, was she because she felt happy or because some higher force told her that she had to be happy?

During her whole life, her environment had shown her what a perfect life looked like. A husband, children, a house and maybe a job which fulfilled you. And everything was in reach now. She just had to grab it. Why did she hesitate?

The party was coming to an end, Opie and Donna had already left to get their kids to bed. Wendy gave Abel to Gemma so she could go the bathroom. The older woman threw a warm smile at her. A few month ago, this alone would have been enough for Wendy to roll over with joy. She had always wanted Gemmas approval. But now, this smile caused a strange feeling in Wendy’s stomach, which felt terrifying close to nausea.

The door to the bathroom wasn’t locked, so Wendy assumed it was empty although the light was on. But as soon as she opened the door, she realised that she had been wrong, and everything in her body screamed she should turn around and just go.  
Tara sat on the closed toilet seat, her face buried in her hands. Her whole body shook like she was freezing or having and epileptic attack, but Wendy knew it better. She had been in this situation enough times for her whole life. Tara cried, but tried to stay quiet so no one would notice it.

Before everything had gone to hell, Wendy would have turned around and walked away, hoping that Tara hadn’t noticed her. Maybe she would have been even gleeful, she had never really liked Tara. But while Wendy had been in rehab, Tara had called her more than Jax and she had really been kind to her. It was only fair now for Wendy to return the favour. Quietly she locked the door behind her, then she stepped towards Tara and laid a hand on her back.

Tara flinched and looked up, when she recognised Wendy, she blushed.

“I’m really sorry, you weren’t supposed to see me like that.”, she stuttered.

“It’s alright, what happened? Did Jax say something to you?” Wendy wanted to know as she rubbed Tara’s back gently. The brunette seemed to calm down.

“No … I mean … yes, he said something, but … we decided to talk about it later, when the party is over. It’s just … you three look so happy together and … I think, while you were still in rehab, I could imagine that you just didn’t exist and Able was my son. I know it’s terrible, but I really liked this imagination. But now you are back, and it’s just hard to realise that … it’s your family, not mine. I shouldn’t even be here.”

Tara had hiccuped during her whole speech and now, after she had ended, she started to cry again. Wendy went on with trying to calm her. But now she understood why Tara had been so strange the whole day. She wasn’t just scared that Wendy would take Jax back, she wanted the whole package. Abel, the family, the club. The woman who had left Charming because she didn’t want a boring small-town-life was crying in Wendys arm because she thought she was losing her chance for that, now Wendy was back. And Wendy didn’t know what she should say to her.

But luckily, she didn’t have to, because just a second later, hell broke out downstairs.

Wendy stood next to Jax and Gemma during Donna’s funeral. As the priest held his speech, her eyes wandered to Opie and his kids who were standing in the front row. Kenny had taken the hand of his bigger sister and both sobbed. They looked too small and alone in the world now, no mother to take care of them. A dad who was barely there. And while Wendy watched the tiny Kenny trying to comfort his bigger sister, she realised something.

Maybe she wanted the perfect house-life with children and husband - she still hadn’t found an answer for this question. But either way, Jax couldn’t give her what she wanted. If Wendy decided to stay with Jax, Able would be standing crying in front of her grave in not too far away future. And although Jax wouldn’t have put her there, he wouldn’t be completely innocent. Because as long as there was SAMCRO, there would be collateral damage, and Wendy wasn’t willing to end like that, shot in the head because someone had mistaken her for her husband.

And she would tell Gemma exactly that. Rather a life without Jax and everything else than such a life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> Another chapter! Originally this chapter and that before were supposed to be one, but it was just too long so I decided to make a cut. Although this chapter is a bit shorter now, I hope you still like it.
> 
> Now question time: Wendy’s character development - which was supposed to be the core of this story - is nearly finished and I’m now searching for a fulfilling end. Warning ahead - because this is Sons of Anarchy, it won’t be a happy ending. And even though I’ve got some ideas to end this story, I would like to hear you opinions. Should Wendy get a love interest, and if, who? How should her relationship with Tara develop? There are no bad ideas, just leave a comment.
> 
> And because it’s only 6pm in Germany right now, I wish everyone a happy new years eve and a happy new year!


	8. Long Hard Road Out Of Hell

## 

Long Hard Road Out Of Hell

It felt like a nice change, finally walking through the floors of the St. Thomas Hospital without an emergency or guilt. Wendy even managed a smile while she nodded towards a young nurse who passed her on her way to the on-call-room, the nurse returned the smile friendly.

It was almost scary how perfect her life had turned out in the last years. Although she still had to work in the shitty diner out of town, Wendy had also started to sell her photographs on the internet. She didn’t earn enough to quit her job yet, but it was enough to work fewer shifts so she could spend two full days a week with Able and had another one for herself. 

Wendy had even met a guy, Steven. They were together for about a year now and although she didn’t love him the way she had loved Jax (if this had been love), Wendy felt safe and calm around him. The relationship with him wasn’t as passionate and consuming as her time with Jax had been. Steven was a middle-aged accountant who was already once divorced. Everything about him was nearly boring, but boring was exactly what Wendy needed right now. When they sat on the couch together and watched a movie, she finally felt peaceful, a feeling she never really experienced before. 

Wendy had even introduced Steven to Able. He had made clear that he didn’t want own kids, but he got along with Able nevertheless. Maybe they could go on vacation in a few month - all three of them - and Wendy could offer Tara that she would take both boys a few nights over the week.   
Everything Wendy imagined for her future life was calm and suburban, exactly what Wendy wanted. 

Finally Wendy reached the door to the on-call-room, and before she could knock, she heard the screaming of a baby inside. But that didn’t surprise her, the only reason Tara would call her to come to the hospital was because Wendy had to help her taking care of Able and Thomas.

Thomas was Tara’s little boy, he was only a few weeks old now. Jax was the father and Wendy was happy for him, he had always wanted more than one child. But right now, Jax was doing time in Stockton, which left Tara alone with two children. And although Gemma tried to help whenever she could - you needed a whole village to raise a kid. So Wendy didn’t even bother knocking and just entered, Tara would have all hands full. 

And Wendy was right, she needed only one look to know that. Tara walked up and down while Thomas screamed in her arms. She tried to give him his bottle and have a conversation to someone on her handy, which she had pressed between her shoulder and her ear, at the same time. Needlessly to be said that she wasn’t really successful with both tasks. Wendy closed the door behind her and rushed to Tara, carfully takingThomas out of her arms to give him his bottle. Tara threw a thankful glance at Wendy, then she concentrated on her call. 

It only took a few minutes for Wendy to calm Thomas down. She had been with Tara when she gave birth and so she knew the little boy from the first second. Sometimes she realised how much bigger Thomas was, in comparison to Able when he had been in this age. And then Wendy felt guilty again. But she had promised to make sure that both of those boys would have the best life they could. So she continued feeding Thomas and sat down next to her son, who was sitting on a couch and drawing on some papers.

“Hey champ, what are you drawing?” Wendy wanted to know as she gently rocked Thomas.

“Optimus Prime!” Able explained and when he looked up, Wendy saw a happy glow in his eyes.

“Did Mommy let you watch Transformers again?” Wendy asked laughing. The little boy had started calling her Mom and Tara Mommy, and both women went along with it. Like always, Gemma had been the only one against it, but neither Wendy or Tara cared.

“Yeah, while she fought with Gramma Gemma on the phone.” Able explained, then he continued drawing. 

Wendy sighted. In the last weeks, things between Gemma and Tara had gotten worse. They had never really gotten along in the first place, although Gemma had tried to be nice to Tara as she had to realise that Jax wouldn’t change his mind. But since a while, Gemma had started to do to her grandchildren what she had done to her son - meddling in their lives no matter what the others thought. Of course, Tara was having none of it and because Jax wasn’t there as a air-bag between them, they crashed into each other by every given opportunity. 

Tara finally hung up and fell down on the couch next to Wendy with an exhausted sigh. 

“Thank you so much for coming.” Tara said, while she brushed her hair back. Wendy noticed how pale she was and the dark rings around her eyes.

“Don’t bother, I didn’t have plans anyway.” Wendy assured her and tried to smile. “But why didn’t you call earlier? Wasn’t Gemma suppose to take the boys today?”

“Gemma is on babysitting-break for a while.” Tara explained. “Last time, she let Able run around in the dorms in the clubhouse unsupervised, he found a knife. Of course, Gemma doesn’t see a problem with it.”

“Sorry I asked.” Wendy tried to change the topic, Tara’s breathing got faster again and she clenched her hand into a fist.

“No, you should ask. They are your boys as well. It’s just … sometimes I just want to take her and shake her really hard. Maybe then she will see why a MC-clubhouse isn’t the best place for children. Even Opie has realised that. Or Lyla made him, I don’t know.”

“Well, they’ll come to the clubhouse at some point.” Wendy considered. “I mean, Able will be taking over the MC when Jax is too old.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it!” Tara resolutely protested and there was a certain rage in her eyes.

“What do you mean?” Wendy followed up.

Tara looked around, like she was suspecting someone to overhear them, then she lowered her voice conspirational.

“As soon as Jax gets out of jail, we are out of here. We’ll move north - I already applied for a job at several hospitals in Portland. The city doesn’t have a charter, it’s our chance to leave all of that behind.”

For a second, Wendy struggled for words. What would it mean for her, if Tara and Jax moved away? She loved Able, and although he wasn’t her biological child, she loved Thomas just the same. She had helped raising him to this point. They couldn’t just take her boys away from her, could they? 

But on the other side, Wendy could understand Tara’s point. How often during her pregnancy she had though about just packing her stuff and running as fast as she could. The only difference was that Tara was strong and determined enough go through with it.

“Do you really think, Jax would leave the club behind? The members are his family.”, Wendy asked the question which bothered her the most. 

“Now we are his family.” Tara insisted. “He has changed since Able’s birth. He sees that Charming isn’t a place to raise kids. And shortly before Able’s birth he found some manuscript from his father - how the Sons were never meant to end up like this. Clay has driven them in the wrong direction. It isn’t the community it once was.”

Wendy asked herself how she could have missed all of this, but on the other hand - she had her own problems at that time. 

“I take it that Gemma doesn’t know a thing about your little plan?”

Tara’s gaze immediately went to the floor.

“Of course not, she would set hell and heaven in motion to stop us.”

“And you really think Jax will betray his mother?”

That Tara didn’t say anything was answer enough. Wendy believed her that she wanted to keep the boys safe. If it had been just her, Wendy was quite sure that they would be halfway to Oregon by now. But Jax was like so many other men, he had high dreams of a brighter future, nevertheless - in the end he would always chose the club before everything. It would have been a miracle if he made his promise true and moved to Portland together with Tara. 

“I’ll take the boys to my place and take care of them, just pick them up whenever you are ready.” Wendy finally explained. Thomas slumbered now peaceful in her arms. 

Tara just nodded, tears appearing in her eyes.

“And I should go back to work.”

With a small smile, Wendy observed Able. He was in his pyjamas and sat on the couch, watching some cartoon before he had to go to bed. Tara had called an hour ago to tell Wendy that she wouldn’t make it this time and that the boys had to stay with her. Of course, Wendy didn’t have a problem with it. And somehow it felt normal, making Mac’n Cheese and watching the Able eat together with Steven while she fed Tommy his bottle. Her boyfriend had told them some stupid story which made Able laugh so hard that he spread half of his food on the kitchen floor. And although Wendy had been the one to clean it up, she couldn’t stop smiling. Now, Thomas was in his bed and Able would follow him soon.

Would it be always like that, if SAMCRO and everything else didn’t exist? Stories during dinner and arguments about bedtime? Was this the life Tara looked for in Portland? Maybe. And Wendy couldn’t blame her for it.

“Hey, everything alright?” Steven asked as he stepped behind Wendy and placed his arms around her waist. Maybe she didn’t love him yet, but she was getting there with every minute they spend together.

“Yeah, everything is perfect.” She assured him and turned her head around to press a fast kiss onto his lips.

“Then why do you seem so depressed?” He simply couldn’t let it go - totally different from Jax.

“I was just wondering.” Wendy admitted. “Do you remember when you suggested that we would move in together?”

“The offer still stands.” Steven assured her nodding. “My flat isn’t big enough, but if we buy a house, both of the boys could have their own rooms.”

“That sounds beautiful.” Wendy sighted. 

“We can start looking as soon as you want.” Steven promised her. 

Wendy’s gaze wandered back to Able, who was giggling about something on the TV. It was the most beautiful sound in the world.

“What do you think about Portland as a place to live?”


	9. Lamb of God

## 

Lamb Of God

_“He gasped. So did the people around him. About twenty ghosts had just streamed through the back wall. Pearly-white and slightly transparent, they glided across the room talking to each other and...”_

Wendy could nothing but smile about the cosiness of the scene enfolding in front of her. She stood in the door to the room of the boys, leaning against the doorframe, and watched Steven while he read for Able. Thomas already laid in his crib and slept peacefully.

Today Jax had been released from prison and it was Opie’s and Lyla’s wedding day, so Wendy had offered to take the boys. Tara and Jax deserved a night on their own. It had been a wonderful evening, they had made pizza together and watched “Finding Nemo” for the hundredth time – Wendy could synchronize the movie by now. And while she observed Steven reading Able his bed-time-story, Wendy wondered how it would be if she could pregnant again, this time planed and together with someone who was ready to raise a child.

But before Wendy could end that thought, she heard a knock on the door. She threw an apologizing glance at Steven who had interrupted his reading and closed the door to the children’s bedroom before she went to the door.

Of all the people Wendy had expected this night, Jax was probably the last one. It was the first time she saw him since he had gone to jail – he had refused to put her onto his visitor-list – and he looked horrible. The long blond hair which Wendy had loved so much was shorter now, and the beard was gone. But all of that couldn’t hide the fact that he had lost a few pounds and looked like a skeleton who just got out of the grave.

“Can I come in?”

Wendy couldn’t express how helpless this question sounded and so she nodded only. Jax stepped in and she directed him to the kitchen and she closed the door behind him. But before she did that, she stepped out on the porch and looked up and down the street, to make sure that Jax really had come alone.

When Wendy entered the kitchen she walked right into Jax who admired the mess she and Able had left on the counter. An absent smile played around his lips.

“I’m sorry, we made pizza and I hadn’t had time to clean up yet.” Wendy excused while she took a beer out of the freezer and gave it to Jax. Then she began cleaning the counter. “So, what unforgivable thing did you do that Tara banned you on the first night back together?”

“How do you know that I was thrown out?” Jax asked a counter question.

“Please, Jackson. I know you. If she didn’t ban you, you’d be balls deep in her until tomorrow noon. So, what did you do?”

“I proposed to her.” Jax sighted and opened his bottle to take a deep sip.

“Well, I don’t see this as such a heavy crime, but I guess everyone is different. Say her you take it back and everything is alright again.” Wendy proposed shrugging.

“It isn’t that easy. And the proposal wasn’t the problem. Tara said … she demanded that we would leave Charming before she said yes, as a sign that I was serious.”

Wendy had been wiping the counter, but now she stopped and turned around, her eyes narrowed to slits.

“What’s the problem? I thought you were planning on leaving Charming anyway? I already started looking for houses in Oregon.”

Jax eyes were glued to the floor and like always when he was nervous, he started peeling off the label of his bottle. Wendy became the feeling that she wouldn’t like his next answer.

“Many things changed while I was in prison. I can’t just leave like that, there are things that need to be planned, I have to inform mom...”

“Oh please!” Wendy interrupted him. “I was married to you for three years, Jax, I know when you are looking for an easy way out.”

“Alright!” He sighted and looked up, fixing Wendy like a lighthouse in a stormy night on the sea. “I don’t think leaving Charming is the right decision anymore.”

Before Wendy could say anything, Steven entered the kitchen, the book he had read to Able still in his hands.

“Hi Jackson” He greeted Jax like they had just seen each other a few days ago, then he turned to Wendy. “Able’s finally asleep, I will go to bed now too. Are you coming when you two are done here?”

“Of course, good night.” Wendy wished him with a shy smile. Steven pressed a light kiss onto her lips, then he left the kitchen and nodded to Jax on his way out. 

“You really like him, do you?” Jax asked, as they heard the bedroom door close behind Steven. Of course, he wanted to change the topic, but Wendy would let him have it this time.

“He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been.” Wendy answered shrugging, she couldn’t stop smiling. “I can’t explain it otherwise and for someone like you it might seem silly but...”

“No, I understand.” Jax interrupted her. “He gives you steadiness. For people like us, who often decide by emotion it’s a nice change. He keeps you grounded and I’m happy to see you happy. I once thought we could have something like that.”

“No” Wendy said thoughtful. “Our marriage was different. We thought only strong emotions would be enough, but it made us miserable most of the time. And we both weren’t able to talk about it. Our marriage was destined to fail. But I always thought you found someone who completes you in Tara...”

Jax didn’t have an answer for that one.

While Wendy made the dishes and wiped the table none of them said a word, their thoughts laying heavy between them. But after a while, there was nothing Wendy could do anymore so she had no other choice than to turn back to Jax who had come near the bottom of his bottle by now.

“So, what’s your plan?” She asked. Jax raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Please, Jax, you might be a hothead, but you aren’t stupid. If you changed your decision, you have an alternative plan.”

“Clay can only drive a few more years, three or four at most.” Jax started to explain. “And when he steps down, I become president. Than I have real power, I can change things.”

Again a smile appeared on Wendy’s face, but this time it wasn’t due to happiness. It was the smile she gave Able when he told her about some fanciful dream he had.

“You really think you can do that?”

“I know that it won’t be easy. We might lose Tig and Happy on the way, and I don’t know who else, but… I just have to try, you know. That would be what my dad wanted.”

For a second, Wendy wanted to ask Jax how that had turned out for his Old Man, but then decided against it. 

“When I came back from rehab, a part of me wished we could just start over again, at the point where I had left.” She said instead. “Do you know why I decided against it in the end?”

Jax shook his head no. 

“It was Donna’s funeral. I saw Kenny and Ellie standing in front of her grave, so alone and I… Able has gone to through much in his life already, I didn’t want to do that to him as well. But it will happen again, as long as the club is involved with guns and drug cartels. Because violence only causes violence, it doesn’t solve anything. And wether you want it or not, where violence is, there will be collateral damage. It’s one of the basic rules of human society. You can’t change that.”

“So what do you want me to do?” Jax asked, he sounded desperate. His prison time must have really messed him up.

“We both know that I can’t tell you anything.” Wendy chuckled. “In the end, you have to do what you think is right. But take in mind that you’ll have to live with the consequences in the end, you can ask Opie how that feels. And you can’t stop Tara from leaving you, if she thinks you are doing it the wrong way. So in the end, you have to decide what is more important to you.”

“My family or my club?”

“No. You have to decide if you want your family to be safe, maybe with the costs of not being with them, or if you want to keep them close with the possibility that they might get hurt. Because we both know, whatever Taras imagination is, you can’t just get out of the SONS like that.”

When Wendy finished, Jax eyes had wandered to a picture which was pinned at the fridge. It showed a photo Steven had taken on a trip to the Wahewa-reservate. Thomas was laying agains Wendy’s shoulder and Able had taken his mother at the hand to show her something he had found in the bushes. Although it might was only a few weeks old, it seemed impossibly far away for him.

“I’ll go to bed now.” Wendy said after Jax had remained silent for a while. “You can crash on the couch if you want, but be warned – Thomas likes to wake up at night and scream very loud.”

With that, Wendy pressed a kiss onto his cheek and left the kitchen – leaving a Jax lost in thoughts behind.

“Did you and Jax settle everything?” Steven asked as Wendy laid down beside him a few minutes later.

“I hope. He might sleep here tonight.” Wendy explained while she snuggled into her boyfriend. “Is that a problem?”

“Not if he makes breakfast in the morning.” Steven suggested with tired chuckle.

“If you want to have a food poisoning…” All Wendy wanted now was a bit sleep, taking care of two boys could be really exhausting. But she couldn’t sleep until she made something clear. “You know that I really love you?”

“Of course.” Steven muttered. He seemed just as tired as her.

“But sometimes I think I don’t say it enough. So, I’ll just go ahead and say it again: I love you and I’m the happiest woman in the world for being with you.”

“Well, you aren’t so bad yourself.” Steven answered, then he laid one arm around Wendy’s hip and pulled her tighter against him. And in this position, both of them fell asleep.

Needlessly to say that Jax was gone when Thomas screams woke the whole house up about three hours later, but the tower of blankets on the couch was a sign that Jax had tried to get at least some hours of sleep. Wendy didn’t see him again for a few days, when she took Thomas and Able back to Tara her friend told her that Jax hadn’t been there since yesterday evening. Tara seemed impossibly tired and exhausted, so Wendy didn’t mention that Jax had come to her place in the night. 

They didn’t leave Charming in the next few month and after a while, the topic dropped – at least it seemed so between Jax and Tara. Wendy didn’t know what happened between those two, but Tara stayed, although now she was only a shadow of her old self. Wendy would have felt with her, if there hadn’t been a small part in the back of his head which was happy that her boys would stay with her for a while longer. Was she a terrible person because of that?


	10. Don't chase the dead ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, 
> 
> It’s been a while since I’ve published a new chapter and I’m really sorry. I just had a lot to do at work. Another reason is that I really didn’t know how to end this story, right now there are about three different versions of this chapter on my desktop. I could finally chose one, but it became to long for one chapter – at least for my taste. So, this isn’t the last chapter like originally planned, I will publish another during the next week (at least I’ll try). Stay with me and if you want, leave a review!

##  Don’t chase the dead ... 

It was the first day of rain for this year in Charming. The soil was still dry from the summer and so the water didn’t just seep away but splashed on the boots of everyone who dared to leave his house today. The graveyard of Charming was a puddle, but that didn’t stop the people to huddle together under black umbrellas while they listened to the priest’s speech which could barely be heard above the splashing of the rain.

Wendy stood in the first row, one arm around Able and Thomas on her hips. Both boys shivered, but probably not due to the rain. About half an hour ago they had to say goodbye to their mother for one last time and now they had to watch her coffin be lowered into the ground. 

The death of Tara Knowles had come to a shock to the whole town. The young woman had been loved by nearly everyone and so half of the town had come to her funeral. In the church, there hadn’t been enough seats and some people had to stand in the back. But not only the residents of Charming had come, also every Son in the radius of a hundred miles. The stood a few meters away, like ominous crows proclaiming great calamity to the town. As Wendy let her gaze wander through the crowd behind her, she realized that only one face was missing. Jax. 

No one had seen the current president of SAMCRO since his wife had been found stabbed several times in their kitchen. Some rumored that he was out for vengeance, making the one who killed his wife and everybody this person ever knew pay. Others said that they had seen him speeding across city borders a few hours before his wife had been found – visibly shaken and splattered with blood. 

Wendy didn’t know what was true. She just knew what had happened the evening before Tara had been found dead.

_It was about 10 pm. Wendy had brought they boys to bed and was looking forward to a calm evening in front of the TV together with Steven, when her phone rang. For a second, she planned on ignoring it – whoever it was could wait until tomorrow. But then she recognized Tara’s number. If Tara called her, there had to be a reason, especially it was her and Jax’s night off from kids-duty. Wendy took her phone and went to the kitchen before she accepted._

_“Tara, everything alright? Did something happen?”_

_“Is he with you?” Tara’s voice was distorted to a strange noise of sobbing and croaking, it wasn’t like anything else Wendy had ever heard._

_“Who are you talking about?”_

_“Jax, is he with you?!”_

_“No, he isn’t.” Wendy explained while she tried to make her voice sound as calming as possible. “Why isn’t he with you?”_

_“We had a huge fight, and then he just left and drove away on his bike.”_

_Wendy breathed a sight of relief. “He’s probably just at the clubhouse, drinking off his mind before he falls into bed. Tomorrow he will wake up with a terrible headache and crawl back to you. You know how he is.”_

_“Do you really think that?” Tara asked hiccuping.  
“Of course. This is how it always works. He will realize that he is wrong and come back again. Maybe you let him sleep on the couch for a week, but then everything will go back to normal.”_

_“I’m not so sure.” Tara said carefully. “The fight was really bad this time. I think I threw a few plates at him.”_

_“What was it even about?”_

_Suddenly, every noise of Tara stopped, as if she had hung up. Then: “I … I threatened him … I threatened to leave town and take the kids with me.”_

Somewhere in Wendy’s train of thought the priest ended his speech and the crowd began dissolving. Some of the people went up to Wendy and offered her their condolences before they smiled compassionate at the boys and went away. Wendy didn’t know why she got the condolences, Tara only had been her friend. But she nodded and prayed that no one would ask her what she thought had happened. Steven, who had stood next to her the whole funeral, had thrown an arm around her shoulder and pressed her reassuringly from time to time, which was the only reason why she didn’t have a breakdown right here. Steven and the boys who clinged to her like she was a rock in the open sea. 

After what felt like an eternity most of the people were gone and even the SONS who had attended the funeral had driven away on their bikes. Gemma was one of the few left and approached Wendy. Wendy didn’t know why the elder woman was here, but right now she couldn’t stand her. She was to tired.

“Thank you for organising this.” Gemma said as she came to an halt in front of Wendy.

“It’s the least I could do.” Wendy mumbled, just loud enough that Gemma could hear it.

“You really look tired, darling. Maybe I should take the boys for today, so you can get some sleep.”

Wendy didn’t know what let her inner alarm bells ring. Maybe it was the “darling” that didn’t sound lovingly at all. Or maybe it was Able, who suddenly pushed himself against Wendy and squeezed her hand even tighter, as if he was afraid of being torn lose. But it didn’t matter what made Wendy suspicious, the only thing important was that she wouldn’t let her two boys alone with this woman ever again.

“No thanks, Gemma. We are fine.”

Gemma opened her mouth, as if she wanted to say something else, which was very likely to start a fight between the two women. However, in the last second she seemed to change her mind.

“Alright. Just call if you need anything.”

Wendy only nodded as an answer and so Gemma turned around and walked towards Nero, who was waiting for her. It hadn’t taken her more than a few weeks to find a rebound after they had put Clay into his grave just a few feet away from Tara’s, half a year ago. Wendy watched her former mother-in-law leave, and only after she and Nero were out of eyesight, she could relax again.

“Come, let’s go home.” Steven was the first one to talk again as he took Thomas out of Wendy’s arms. “The boys are wet to the bones and have to get out of their clothes before they catch a cold.”

Life went on after the funeral. The rain stopped the next day and a week later, all flowers on Taras grave had faded. Able started to go to school again, and about a month later Thomas called Wendy Mommy for the first time. She had to lock herself in the bathroom after that, so the boys didn’t see her cry. One time Able asked for Jax, but as Wendy explained to him that his father wasn’t around right now, the boy just nodded and went back to playing. He seemed to have aged several years in the past weeks. And with every day that passed, he and Thomas seemed to become more accustomed to the fact, that both of their parents weren’t there anymore.

The only person who apparently couldn’t handle it, was Wendy. She lost her appetite, couldn’t sleep and spend her days like a ghost sliding through the world without really living in it. How could the world keep turning? How could anything go back to normal when Tara wasn’t there anymore?

Steven was worried about her. He proposed her to start therapy again, he made sure she got alone time without the boys. When she was in the bathroom or simply not around, he looked through her purse to make sure that she didn’t relapse. But he couldn’t understand what kept Wendy awake. It wasn’t just the fact that her friend had died, it were the questions which haunted through her head whenever she stayed still for a second.

Where was Jax? What did he have to do with all of that? Why did he leave Charming in such a hurry? Wasn’t he worried about his son?

All those questions wouldn’t let her go, and Wendy knew that he couldn’t go back to normal until she found the answers.

It was day 52 after the funeral. It hat been a normal day without any special events – as normal as possible for Wendy. She laid in her bed and could hear Steven snore next to her. While cleaning the kitchen a few hours before, they had talked about moving again. They had talked about barely anything else in the past weeks. Now, after Tara was dead and Jax was gone, there was no reason for Wendy to stay here anymore. She had custody of the boys and Steven was right when he said that they should take them as far away from the club as possible. But a tiny part in Wendy’s brain reminded her, that she couldn’t leave Charming. At least not yet.

Wendy was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear her phone ringing. Only when Steven gave her a rough nudge between the rips with his elbow and grunted loudly, she noticed. Quickly she grabbed the phone and answered it.

“Yes, who is there?”

“Wendy? It’s me …”

It took Wendy a second to recognize the voice, which was a shame because she had waited so long to hear from him. But when Wendy realized it was Jax, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off from her shoulders. She took the phone to her other ear and set up against the head of her bed.

“Jax, where have you been? What happened?”

“I … Wen … It’s pretty hard to explain over phone. Could you just … Can I see you, I really need to see you.”

Wendy had never heard Jax so devastated, even in his worst nights – and there had been a lot of them through all these years. And in this second, she knew that Jax couldn’t be responsible for Taras death. He loved her more than his life, or rather he had.

“Of course, where are you right now?”

“You remember the old scrapyard we used to hide when we were younger?”

A old scrapyard just a few feet out of town, where the Sons had no influence. Wendy, Jax and a few others had used it as a hiding place when they had been in their last years of high school. But no one had been there for a long time, and it was slowly collapsing. Like a relict from a better time.

“I’m coming, stay right where you are.” Wendy promised, then she hung up.

Steven had woken up at some time during the call, right now he was sitting up and searching for his glasses on the nightstand. 

“Who was that? Where are you going?”

“It was Jax.”, Wendy explained as she got out of bed and grabbed a hoddie to wear over her PJs. “He wants to talk to me.”

“At this time? You should call the police!”

“Why should I?” Wendy asked aghast, pausing in her movement.

“Because you haven’t heard form him since about two months and after all we know, he possibly killed his wife.” Steven noticed not without reason.

“Jax didn’t kill Tara!”

“How do you know that?”

“I just know … it’s a feeling, I can’t explain it.”

“You are really trying to explain to me that you are putting a life at risk due to a feeling?” Steven eyed Wendy like she had lost her mind. And maybe she did, she could find no logical explanation for what she was doing right now. All she knew was that she had to see Jax.

“You don’t understand. But I know Jax, and I know when he needs my help. Just … give me a chance to figure all of that out before you call the police.”

Steven opened his mouth like he wanted to object, but before he could say anything, Wendy ran out of the bedroom and out of the house.


End file.
